Clarifications and apologies

Have you ever had those moments when your mind can spew out thousands of ideas or words within a couple of seconds. Actually, i think they are more emotions rather than words in your mind. That's probably why some do have a difficult time putting them down on paper. For the past blog that i posted earlier, I just splurtted out anything and everything. Sorry.

Basically, i'm depressed. Not severe, but just depressed. No motivation, No inspiration. If I want inspiration i can just go to Pearlridge, across from Borders and check out furniture. But no. Lots of things are contributing to it. But a major one is, my dad. You know, there have been three weeks that have gone by, before in the past without me hearing from him. But now i'm into the fifth week, and it's starting to set it in already. I mean, i don't need to burden anybody with this stuff. My dad never wanted people to feel down with him, he wanted them to stay always happy. Even if he's not having a good day. So, i guess i'm the same way.

Oh and the dialing 9-4-4 instead of 9-1-1, actually happened. According to his phone.

I just got through watching some old home movies of me 21 years ago and him on the VCR. Curse my small hands back then. If i had only knew how to properly hold and/or operate a video camera the size of two Insight Books and a Large Reference, then I'd be seeing more of him.

You know if you had met him for the first time, you would've left feeling you knew him for years.
I remember i was 11 and he would let me drive the car two blocks away from the house.
The man owned McDonald's! crazy! but whats more crazy is he would let his kid work the grill, work drive thru. Yeah, he was crazy, but he was awesome. I can't match up to that much awesomeness.

Those are big snowflakes This man just held in all his hurt and pain over the years, I wonder if he cried as part of his

to-do list. But anyways, he was awesome. Took me 24 years to see that, but he was good man. It'll take 24 more years to even match up to him.

But there's a lot more I say about this. But again, the bottom line is I miss him. Cleaning out his place, it's a bit surreal. If that's even a good word to describe it. But this is a cause of my "depression". Other personal things are contributing to it too. But they're not as important as this one. I wish all the depression would go away. It won't, not now. I get jealous cause It seems others are problem free. I know they have their owns, but still. There's gotta be something wrong with me. Fo' rell. But i am grateful though for just the support i get. Now i'm looking for situations where I can return the favors too. Fo' rell

But no one said it'll be easy to endure it. So, i'll be having my occasional moments. Sorry again. I need a vacation from all this. Just away from home, Hawaii, things. Too much stuff to juggle all at once. But until I can see him again, I will probably have these occasional moments.

But yeah, I hope this had cleared some things. Any questions come and see me after the meeting and we'll mark your book for you.

Lanai

I miss Lanai. Fo' Rel. If you have never been there, then you got some screws loose. It's really a testing ground. It can either be relaxing and fun, or relaxing and boring.
Some factoids:
1 No traffic lights, (which means....)
2 No Traffic
3 Two grocery stores
4 One gas station (I'm thinking Reg. is now 4.89? don't know)
5 One Kingdom Hall
6 Hardly, rarely any crime. (Everyone knows everyone, so they know if you're not from there)
7 Two sweeeeeeeeeeeet resorts, one on both sides of the city
8 Lanai City: The ONLY city there.
9 is home to Lanai City Congregation
10 People frequent the beach to BBQ at night or just throw a blanket on the sand, and there's your bed.
11 Most of all the friends live walking distance away.
12 People just leave their keys in the ignition with doors unlocked
13 On coffee shop, where everyone goes to for coffee so you'll see a familiar face almost all the time.
14 Dirt roads everywhere
Yeah it's basically simple life. But, it's the perfect get away place. So if you're doing a tour of Maui, Lanai is just a ferry boat away. It's home away home for anyone.

Ashley and I doing a cover of Rainbow by G Love and Jack Johnson at Manele Resort

Square One

If you don't feel like reading words that sound redundant (There's a big word), or like i'm whining, then you may find more peace somewhere else.

They always say that writing can relieve you of your feelings. Well, e-writing i guess, im hoping can do the same. Only thing is that it's out "there". But like I said before, probably couple people read this so, no problem. I'm not a good writer or whatever, I tend to just repeat the idea over and over and over. I just realized, however, that (I have moments of those) I need to think about my life, where it's going, but also how it gets there. Now, I realize I can't sleep over my best friend's place anymore, have a drink, see how he's doing. If he needs any help. I guess the reality of it all is starting to set in. Now that all the planning and June 7th is gone, now my mind can have time to contemplate the reality, which causes some watery eyes. Plus, i just had a bad day at work. It's hard to take instructions from a guy who can't even back up his instructions or do good work. Plus, only when the game is on then he wants to leave early. Other than that he stays till 5 or 6. Beauty part is, he's not even my boss, but he just feels like he is. But for now i have to listen.

Then there's the "Am I ending up like him?" I mean, he was alone. His family moved on without him. The person who promised to love him till forever finishes ups and leaves. I wish I can tell him otherwise that he's loved. But knowing him, he probably would just shake his head and say "No I'll be fine, don't worry about me". I think I got that from him too. He was a genuine friend, someone you can go to for help with your problems. Even if he didn't have the answer, he tried to give you one that could keep you going. A "shoulder to cry on" kinda person. He was a family man, took care of whatever family he had left. I don't have a family. Just myself. My family is gone away. One has a family of his own. While the other one is busy doing her own thing elsewhere. Moments like this when I realize that, I love my friends and I've felt so much support recently. But when I come home at the end of the night, it's just me. I would like to have what my dad lost. I don't want to wake up one day dialing 9-4-4 realizing I should've dialed 9-1-1. I wonder if he cried a lot? Kept everything in, because he doesn't want to put a damper on peoples good times. Maybe I got that from him. I'm just that person. "Shoulder -to-cry on". That's as far as it goes.

Am I just being used? kinda like a book? Something you go to when you need help. I make you laugh, happy for a moment, and when you're finished with me, i'm put back on the shelf and forgotten about it till later. Usually outshined by another, better someone. It's like my life is stuck in square 1 over again.
The latter one was on my mind for a while. I just don't like mentioning it cuz, yeah....
But the other one, like I said, is starting to set in. I miss him a lot. Give me 6 months and i'll miss him. Or a year and i'll miss him more.
My mind is numb. No joke about that. I'm confused, mentally and emotionally. I know the answer to this next question i think, but: Why can't all this just fizzle out away?
I guess you get knocked more than a few times, you don't know how much longer you can go.
I'll just keep it in. "No, I'll be fine. Don't worry about me".

All in a days work

So this is just a 'filler' post. You know, the kind where you put in, just to fill up space. Well, I can't think of anything 'exciting' to blog about. I wouldn't consider myself a blogger anyways. More of a ringo person. But now since that part will be ka-poot in a few weeks, I should start getting my brain going and come up with some good stuff.

Can't just wake up one day and start blogging about sponges, or how do you really eat pomegranates? do you pronounce them POM-granit. POMMY-granit? pom-GRA-nit! Can't figure that out. But these creativeness doesn't have to happen during the day. At night, maybe i'm sitting on the floor typing on my laptop whilst looking at the PCmoniter instead, because the monitor on said laptop is blanking. And i can pull up blogs out of the sky, and talk about my life at work, the lessons i've learned while growing. All the while, i'm hurling a dog toy across the room about 50 times because all my dog wants to do is have a good time and play, while i'm also looking for Danity Kane tickets.

I mean how do these ones do it? funny enough probably two of them will be reading this.
It's a gift they got. And all of them makes sense. No joke. Even the comic strips. Once I get the background story behind it, it all makes sense. But still, really, it's jeenyus. There aren't too many people that I know of, that are that unique, original or ___(insert adjective )_____ in prose.

So, this is the first one i've done since the big move. Life's been alright so far. You know the usual trials here trial there. Test this about you, clean up this thing about you. Then there's the occasional "she'll never like me".....or "If that were possible, what could she possibly see in me?". You know they say "think positive"....well i guess i'm positively sure "she'll never see me that way" i'm just a "friend". But we don't need to get into that right now.

Just finished up with some June 7th stuff. It's a stressful thing. Not just for the obvious reason, but just the planning. You have friends who are willing to help. But just the planning part is worrisome. This is the phase of my life where everything is just at a hold. Can't think, no motivation, my mind is just "BLAH" and time is just speeding up faster. Just when you think this year couldn't get any worse, you get hit with a situation that reminds you "No, there's more to it. Look alive son, you're gonna need it!" But amazing this is, i'm still here. I haven't gone nuts (If i did, then someone's not telling me HA) I haven't lost everything (Although a nice chunk is now) I still have family. But more importantly, I have spiritual protection, as well as a hope that is even more real than it was 3 weeks ago.

Yup, all in a days work.