If you don't feel like reading words that sound redundant (There's a big word), or like i'm whining, then you may find more peace somewhere else.
They always say that writing can relieve you of your feelings. Well, e-writing i guess, im hoping can do the same. Only thing is that it's out "there". But like I said before, probably couple people read this so, no problem. I'm not a good writer or whatever, I tend to just repeat the idea over and over and over. I just realized, however, that (I have moments of those) I need to think about my life, where it's going, but also how it gets there. Now, I realize I can't sleep over my best friend's place anymore, have a drink, see how he's doing. If he needs any help. I guess the reality of it all is starting to set in. Now that all the planning and June 7th is gone, now my mind can have time to contemplate the reality, which causes some watery eyes. Plus, i just had a bad day at work. It's hard to take instructions from a guy who can't even back up his instructions or do good work. Plus, only when the game is on then he wants to leave early. Other than that he stays till 5 or 6. Beauty part is, he's not even my boss, but he just feels like he is. But for now i have to listen.
Then there's the "Am I ending up like him?" I mean, he was alone. His family moved on without him. The person who promised to love him till forever finishes ups and leaves. I wish I can tell him otherwise that he's loved. But knowing him, he probably would just shake his head and say "No I'll be fine, don't worry about me". I think I got that from him too. He was a genuine friend, someone you can go to for help with your problems. Even if he didn't have the answer, he tried to give you one that could keep you going. A "shoulder to cry on" kinda person. He was a family man, took care of whatever family he had left. I don't have a family. Just myself. My family is gone away. One has a family of his own. While the other one is busy doing her own thing elsewhere. Moments like this when I realize that, I love my friends and I've felt so much support recently. But when I come home at the end of the night, it's just me. I would like to have what my dad lost. I don't want to wake up one day dialing 9-4-4 realizing I should've dialed 9-1-1. I wonder if he cried a lot? Kept everything in, because he doesn't want to put a damper on peoples good times. Maybe I got that from him. I'm just that person. "Shoulder -to-cry on". That's as far as it goes.
They always say that writing can relieve you of your feelings. Well, e-writing i guess, im hoping can do the same. Only thing is that it's out "there". But like I said before, probably couple people read this so, no problem. I'm not a good writer or whatever, I tend to just repeat the idea over and over and over. I just realized, however, that (I have moments of those) I need to think about my life, where it's going, but also how it gets there. Now, I realize I can't sleep over my best friend's place anymore, have a drink, see how he's doing. If he needs any help. I guess the reality of it all is starting to set in. Now that all the planning and June 7th is gone, now my mind can have time to contemplate the reality, which causes some watery eyes. Plus, i just had a bad day at work. It's hard to take instructions from a guy who can't even back up his instructions or do good work. Plus, only when the game is on then he wants to leave early. Other than that he stays till 5 or 6. Beauty part is, he's not even my boss, but he just feels like he is. But for now i have to listen.
Then there's the "Am I ending up like him?" I mean, he was alone. His family moved on without him. The person who promised to love him till forever finishes ups and leaves. I wish I can tell him otherwise that he's loved. But knowing him, he probably would just shake his head and say "No I'll be fine, don't worry about me". I think I got that from him too. He was a genuine friend, someone you can go to for help with your problems. Even if he didn't have the answer, he tried to give you one that could keep you going. A "shoulder to cry on" kinda person. He was a family man, took care of whatever family he had left. I don't have a family. Just myself. My family is gone away. One has a family of his own. While the other one is busy doing her own thing elsewhere. Moments like this when I realize that, I love my friends and I've felt so much support recently. But when I come home at the end of the night, it's just me. I would like to have what my dad lost. I don't want to wake up one day dialing 9-4-4 realizing I should've dialed 9-1-1. I wonder if he cried a lot? Kept everything in, because he doesn't want to put a damper on peoples good times. Maybe I got that from him. I'm just that person. "Shoulder -to-cry on". That's as far as it goes.
Am I just being used? kinda like a book? Something you go to when you need help. I make you laugh, happy for a moment, and when you're finished with me, i'm put back on the shelf and forgotten about it till later. Usually outshined by another, better someone. It's like my life is stuck in square 1 over again.
The latter one was on my mind for a while. I just don't like mentioning it cuz, yeah....
But the other one, like I said, is starting to set in. I miss him a lot. Give me 6 months and i'll miss him. Or a year and i'll miss him more.
My mind is numb. No joke about that. I'm confused, mentally and emotionally. I know the answer to this next question i think, but: Why can't all this just fizzle out away?
I guess you get knocked more than a few times, you don't know how much longer you can go.
I'll just keep it in. "No, I'll be fine. Don't worry about me".
The latter one was on my mind for a while. I just don't like mentioning it cuz, yeah....
But the other one, like I said, is starting to set in. I miss him a lot. Give me 6 months and i'll miss him. Or a year and i'll miss him more.
My mind is numb. No joke about that. I'm confused, mentally and emotionally. I know the answer to this next question i think, but: Why can't all this just fizzle out away?
I guess you get knocked more than a few times, you don't know how much longer you can go.
I'll just keep it in. "No, I'll be fine. Don't worry about me".
2 comments:
Its strange how we, being in the truth, most often know the answer or at least where to find it and in what direction it will be, but the way there is just crazy sometimes.
And yeah, writing is good. Venting is good, even with no expectation of a response. To vent is to vent. Sometimes we need to lay our hearts on our sleeves man. Its human nature.
But also, no one can really know exactly what you're going through. Each individual's different, but in the organization we're in, we all have the same purpose, same direction and love, and even within that more closer to home, you have really truly good friends that love you.
hm, there are a lot of things in here that i dont quite understand, but im probably better off not knowing, so i wont question anything further than i feel is apporpriate.
with that said, its true that venting is necessary, and doing it through writing can be nice. but from personal experience ive also known how unusual it is to have the words to explain an emotion. so unusual that it sometimes has the power to consume you. the words youve penned become the emotions you hold on to. suddenly youre so fixed on those thoughts that they have the power to consume you. AHHHH.
jk, not saying thats happening to you.
just, dont let it happen to you. cause theres a trillion ways to convey 'hurt,' if you started a project of finding all of those ways, you'll never be done with it.
but since i dont get what youre going through, i do get that even though we're not the same, we're not alone. and usually anytime i start thinking that i am, its cause im neglecting the big Man upstairs. and when im overwhelmed by anything, anything at all; it helps to remember that it's just momentary. it helps to remember that there are others in not the same, but similar situations, who dont have such a hope. and it sucks to go home at the end of the night, but take it as an opportunity to remember the very things others dont have.
anyway, sometimes writing for us is limited cause unlike the others in the world who get to make up things and question theories, we know how the ultimate story is gonna end. and true to His word, we'll find the peace we're in need of now. and its soon, sooner than most think or than most remember.
so i guess, stop thinking of it as square one and remember it as day 1. and remember what He can accomplish in just a day.
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